Saturday, June 2, 2012

It's Not Over When He Leaves You


Jennie Garth, whose husband Peter Facinelli filed for a divorce from her after 11 years of marriage, expressed her feelings in her reality show:

"I think with any sort of rejection, you're angry that you weren't enough for that person," she says in the episode airing Friday at 9 p.m. "So I don't know if I'm angry at myself for not being enough, or if I'm angry at him for not considering me to be enough." "It's weird and sad, but I really realized through this whole experience how much I loved him, how deeply I loved him and how deeply I loved us," she explains.

I don't know Ms. Garth or Mr. Facinelli. I have never been married to anybody for 11 years (even though I have hopes of that and much more for my husband and me) and I can't imagine how it feels when a relationship that lasted for so long ends. Especially with children involved. But I spoke the words she did in my past and I meant them when I said them and I still can't argue that they were not true. And that's why I feel for Jennie Garth and hope that her life will take the same positive turn as mine did, although completely unexpected then.

I had a husband once who told me one day he did not want to be married anymore.
We were only together for three years, we were young and there were no kids involved. It was still the most painful experience in my life. Despite the fights and differences in opinions, goals and dreams, I considered him to be the one. When someone you consider to be the one for you tells you that you are not the one for him, it hurts a lot. It hurts so much you can't even breathe properly. The first time you come back home after he told you it was over, you open the door, see him standing there, subconsciously walk to hug and kiss him hello when you remember you are now not supposed to be doing it anymore. You are looking for any signs of him taking back what he decided and waiting for that apology of how he was just stupid and how he regrets that he hurt you so much. And then it doesn't come and  you start thinking about what it was that you could not give him and how you can make the world start turning in a different direction in order to prove to him that you CAN give him anything he wants, that you CAN be whomever he needs you to be. And when that doesn't lead anywhere, then you get angry at yourself and at him, just as Jennie Garth said.

I remember a phone conversation from that time with his mother where I was telling her that with all the facts I have at hand and with all that happened between us - "It's weird and sad, but I really realized through this whole experience how much I loved him, how deeply I loved him and how deeply I loved us." I felt like if I could find a way how to make him see things from my new perspective only for a minute, he'd understand and see how wrong he was. With the luxury of time that passed since, I can say today that yes, he was wrong in many things. But I can also say that he was right in one - it's not supposed to be that hard. You hear so much about how a relationship always has ups and downs and people always fight and there are always going to be difficult times that you loose perspective on when it is for the best to let go. I know I did. I kept thinking - if we just get over this hump...and then over this one...and then over this one...then we will be perfect. I ignored the fact that those humps just kept coming.

It takes time and experience to be able to look at things from a different angle. You won't know the shoes you're wearing are uncomfortable until you put a pair of perfectly fitting ones on. You'd just keep thinking "I have to wear them in a bit, then they'll be great". I'm not sure you'd buy a car if someone told you: "Well, it rattles and puffs and one wheel seems to be falling off, but that's just the way cars are. You won't find anything better. This at least gets you from point A to point B." I am not sure if it's luck you need, but I know today that I can have a relationship that is easy and fun and pleasant and giving and that people don't always fight, times will not always be difficult and ups and downs are more of rolling hills covered with grapevines than the ups and downs of a roller coaster ride. I hope Jennies of this world will find the same.


3 comments:

  1. It is one of the hardest things to deal with, someone you love rejecting you. I've watched it drive perfectly normal people into the biggest insecure mess of a person. Ive been a shoulder to cry on for many friends going insane from rejection. One thing I have noticed though, is even though they imagine through their warped vision they can't love anyone else, they always manage to eventually move on and find someone new, usually much better for them.

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  2. Andrea - Thank You for sharing such personal details of Your life. Although, I didn't have the same exact experience I can relate. It took Me a long time to realize that relationships shouldn't be so hard. That if the other person loves You then what ever is important to You is also important to Him by default. The analogy of the shoe is perfect, It took me quite some time to realize that I was settling without even knowing it. I am happy and blessed to have finally found the relationship I deserve.

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    1. Thank you for your kind comment. We all learn from our own mistakes and experience. The hardest lessons are the ones that involve relationships, because emotions so often take over (and they should - to a degree). I am very glad to hear that you have found the one who loves and appreciates you. You deserve it, just like everyone deserves it!

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