Monday, September 24, 2012
Why Babycenter Made me Mad (reason #486)
My best friend, who is 30 weeks pregnant, sent me her weekly recap that she receives from BabyCenter. Besides the usual comparisons of a baby to a fruit or vegetable ("Aww, our grape became a kiwi, became an orange, and is now a cabbage! Hi cabbage!"), the article talks about the strain on your relationship that is surely to occur soon, and last for a long time (insert dramatic music and dimmed lights), unless you start working relentlessly on preventing it. Because you don't have anything better to do at 30 weeks pregnant, and there are not enough things to worry about as it is. Clearly.
This is the piece that made my blood boil, which resulted in steam coming out of my ears and nostrils, which resulted in me banging the keys on my poor MacBook so hard I might need a new one soon: 'Your partner may be feeling pushed to the sidelines now and that will only get worse once your baby arrives. "In some cases it can take years for a man to recover from the resentments he started to feel during pregnancy," says Sheldon Walker, a marriage and family therapist in Calgary, Canada. "Those feelings can get stronger after the baby comes home." What can you do now to strengthen your bond?'
How about kick some asses for starters? Really, Sheldon Walker? The poor man needs years to recover? OK, let's take a look at what happens in those grueling 40 weeks of pregnancy, week by week, starting at week 4: sore breasts, fatigue, frequent urination, nausea, vomiting, ricocheting emotions, spotting, worsening nausea and more frequent urination, insomnia, yeast infections, UTI's, constipation, heartburn, backache, sensitivity to smells and tastes, acne, increased salivating, stretch marks, hemorrhoids, varicose veins, organs being pushed aside by growing baby, round-ligament pain, cramps, dizziness, shortness of breath, swelling, ligaments loosening, headaches, urine leaking, baby pushing on sciatic nerve, red and itchy palms, dental problems, rib pain, spider veins, incontinence, leaking breasts, rectal pressure, pelvic and vaginal pressure, blood tinged mucus-like discharge, contractions.
But wait a minute...isn't it a WOMAN who has to undergo all this? And then she needs to push something of a size of - what is it, BabyCenter? A small pumpkin?? - through her vagina, only to start months to years of not sleeping, but a MAN may be feeling pushed to the sidelines and needs years to recover?? Oh, fuck that. That man can be thankful for being pushed to the sideline, instead of being in the spotlight of the miserable companions described above. That man could maybe get a grip and thank gods or nature or zombies or whatever hell does he believe in for the opportunity to have a child without having to encounter the trip to hell and back. That man better do some serious foot rubbing, house cleaning and cooking, and have I mentioned some serious thanking to his amazing woman who is a true warrior?
So give me a break with this nonsense and stop lecturing about how to make the poor man feel better about himself. And men, if your warrior women made you read this, get a grip, for Christ's sake. Accept that things change, attention gets divided and where there were two, there will be three (or four, or five or pick your number). That was kind of the whole point of getting a kid, wasn't it?